I don’t want to die a lone

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I want to have a witness to my life, someone that can say I saw her breath her last. I held her hand while she died and I saw her body writhe several times as she gasped for air. I want my lifeless form to transcend into the supernatural while looking at the people who are going to miss me.

If at all everyone I want present at my passing is scared to see me die, at least I ask that my mother be present since she was with me when my spirit first got on earth. I want to spend my last moments with her, holding my hand and giving me back to the spirit form I was when I was in her womb.

mum

I want her to be there, I want my children to be there if I have any and my nieces, my sisters and brother. I want them to see me because I loathe dying in a stainless clean hospital theatre staring at the ceiling while I am getting dissected into half by some surgeons. I would hate it if I hit my head on a bathroom sink and passed out to heaven or hell. I would hate to die in a traffic accident or any form of accident.

That is why I contemplate taking my own life to be certain of dying the way I want. Surrounded by my close friends and family, being celebrated and having my spirit form have a great memory to tell the other spirits I will meet in space.

I want to remember the tender touch of my mother’s hand, my niece’s smiles, my sisters loud pitched voice and in them I will remember the true face of God. I will remember the unconditional love I didn’t deserve.

The warmth and support I received when other children my age weren’t getting the same. I don’t want to shock people with my passing but rather involve them in the process of my passing. I want them to be ready and expect to miss me. Unlike me ripping their hearts apart with my un expected death.

mommy

I want to write the sermon for my burial and all the speeches that I will find fit to be read. I really don’t want politicians at my burial in fact if I can; I would choose one pastor and my family of six only.

I know it’s weird but in the labour word it was only I, my mother and the midwife probably plus some other wailing women in the background but they weren’t part of us. As I opened my white milky eyes to the world, smeared with womb gel I saw no chaos, nobody was trying to push against the other to see my coming.

I only wish my going would be the same, a pastor, my family and the grave diggers (of course I have nothing against my relatives) but if they are there, it means people will be pushing against each other at my grave.

I am so scared of going tragically and dying alone. I want someone to see the life go out of my brown African eyes. I am so scared of dying alone.

I know this is creepy but how do you wish to die? Share with me in the comments below.

Love

N.sarah

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