I was there but I wasn’t present, I spent countless hours trying to create content for a client I was working for back then.
My nieces needed my attention but I was too busy chasing money. Maika always peered through my room to see if I would turn around and play with her but I was too busy.
The only way she caught my attention was to unplug my laptop and I would go berserk screaming at a 3 year old girl.
Jebright was worse she tore up my story outlines and ideas several times whenever she past by with her mother to see what I was up to.
She poured my mascara and made art work out of my eye shadow. I went berserk than before but that was there way of saying we need you here. We need your presence.
This Christmas I had unlearned my past behaviours and this time, a much grown up Jebright and Maika have more in store for me. They don’t leave my room until I pretend to be sleeping.
Now this is more irritating than before but the truth is Christmas is about family, love and being present.
Discussing your victories and failures with family and listening to their inquisitive annoying questions about why you are not married yet and questions about how much you earn, like they want to tax your salary.
Over feeding and binge gossiping and drinking you want to regurgitate every minute you are alone. This is Christmas in my family, without food and a couple of re-plays of Rachel Magola’s Obagaina Christmas is not Christmas in my family.
We enjoy each other; laugh with each other and at each other. Fight over who doesn’t want to cook and why they should. This time round I have a sore throat and I can’t argue about certain topics like I should.
But at least I can feel their love, laughter and see through their smiles and connect with their deeper pains by just looking deeply into their eyes.
See through their fears but somehow see how the warmth and closeness of family gives them some comforting love that everything will be fine in our broken lives because we have a bond with a number of people who are living successful and fulfilling lives.
Or we are connected to people who are overcoming their limitations to become better people.
Or are seeing how some of our loved ones are getting through life’s most frightening tragedies with brave faces although scarred with pain.
This Christmas I’m present, I am here and I can see them for whom they are, my only question is whether they can see me as much as I can see them.
Are they as present as I am, my grandmother she is really present, I can see the light of heaven blow out of her eyes as I put the last coat of vanish on her nails as my sister is putting the last touches of magic on her hair with hair dye.
She giggled saying, “I am still beautiful and I need to show you that”. Now that is a fighter’s spirit there, after battling cancer, going through chemo, losing all her hair but still has enough courage to muse about having to dye the remainder of her grey hair with a smile.
She just kicked the stockings off cancer and battled depression and fear with her mind. This Christmas I am really present and I really love it.
Are you? Share with me in the comments below.