A young man I will call Aturinda in-boxed me on facebook commending me for the great articles I write and how much I have inspired him. He finally told me he wants to be like me when he grows up and I just told him it was flattering but I really regret why I didn’t tell him this, anyway now I have a chance to tell him the truth.
Having a dream has been probably one of the deadliest things I have ever had to live through in my entire life. I bet I have cried more times than I did when I was younger because some days are way too painful to go through.
Sometimes when I don’t write my mind won’t let me sleep because it lays guilt on my memory like curtains falling down in a theatre after a flopped late Night show.
My mind keeps on running off in all directions creating stories and if i don’t write them I don’t sleep until I do. I don’t think you would want to be in the middle of a conversation with your friends and you have to tell them to pose on it then it takes you 5 hours to come back to the conversation because it’s how long it took you to get it all off your mind.
There is no fun in feeling helpless in its sight, in the beginning you can’t really control it, it keeps controlling you. It takes years of practice to be the master of your mind and became a master at the craft.
Even when you get people who promise to help you master it, sometimes they’ll fail to help you and still they won’t be modest enough to admit it but rather they’ll push you away to deeper edges of depression.
Having a dream is hard and what’s even harder to understand is why you keep sticking to it;why you keep practicing and hope that some day you’ll make it when most people around you see you like an addict in need of a cheap fix.
But somehow you are just addicted to the abuse of a locked up spirit in the prison of accomplishment. I don’t think you are ready to lose all the friends you grew up with as you grow alongside your dream.
That sucks a lot and as a form of dealing with it, you’ll label them hypocrites, haters and time wasters…that’s because it is true on your side but if you didn’t have a dream and had the tables turned may be just may be you wouldn’t see it that way and would probably work out ways of keeping all your friends.
Sometimes I ask myself if I gave it all up would I be able to get back all that I have lost. Probably I will never get an answer to that because I am far too gone to look back.
This dream has brought the worst out of me and out of my friends at every stage of growth I get on with it in my life. Some friends i couldn’t own anymore because they laughed at my dream and some indulged in destructive time wasting behaviour which the dream was against and it sucked me away from them like an aborted fetus.
Truth is a lot of times i have planned my own escapes but every time i succeeded at doing that, I felt like a lost sheep without any sense of purpose, no direction or sense of self worth.
But even with all that nostalgia I promise my self, you won’t go back and i mean it but some how I find myself getting sucked back slowly by slowly without noticing it and before I know it, I’m egging around it once more.
It has given me crazy highs, too many of them I sometimes get tempted to think I’m so perfectly put together only to be rejected once more.
Currently it makes me run more than is necessary and I spend 3 hours of yoga classes in a day just to be positive enough and prepare myself for rejection.
That is the daily fight of my emotional life, in that most times I joke around with my friends telling them I’m as strong as Golola Moses because we battle the same opponent daily.
When Golola gets to the ring and I get to write, we have both won over the battle of our lives after defeating this lethal enemy to keep the dream alive.
Aturinda, I know what you admire about being me when you grow up, it’s the part where you read clean sentences I create after several hours of doubt, fear, contemplation and self hate.
While listening to the loudest music I can afford to find just to close out everyone and take on a new spirit so I can bring it on daily. Now my ears ache every time I get around noisy places because they are hurt probably more times in a day.
The worst case of all, some days people will love you and some days they won’t, that is why whenever someone tells me they have a dream, I offer them prayers not funds or emotional support…I pray for them.
Because dreaming to become something has been worst and best prison I have been locked up in. I don’t think I can exist in this world without my dreams.
Every time I come through with a story I feel like Spiderman, Batman or any other super hero after fighting the battle of my life daily.
That is why you should never want to be me when you grow up Aturinda, strive to be yourself because adding my real life misery to your lifetime pains will only make you the saddest person alive.
Live within Aturinda’s world and I know you meant you loved the way I write but Sarah Namulondo is not the definition of writing. I found writing in existence so your dream is to become a Writer not Sarah Namulondo.